This week saw the reveal of Call of Duty Modern Warfare and with it the return of the housewife favorite, Captain Price. The gruff-voiced grizzly has been with us since 2007’s Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare and seeing him again got us thinking about just how handy it would be to have him for our BFF. We asked our writers what their orders would be for the big man, and the answers were just, well, weird. What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned assassination?
This is the latest in a series of big questions we’ll be interrogating our writers with, so share your answers and suggestions for topics with us on Twitter.
Telling negative thoughts to GTFO
I don’t know much about Captain Price, but I do know that he doesn’t take any crap. He says what he thinks, he does what’s best for his squad, so you can bet that he wouldn’t have any time for the negative thoughts that sometimes worm their way into my – and many other people’s – heads. Imagining him retorting to that gremlin in my brain that sometimes says truly horrible things, telling it to go screw itself in his usual no-nonsense fashion, is strangely comforting. Captain Price doesn’t have time for that kind of BS, and you can bet that if your brain ever started making you think less of yourself, he’d be there to tell those negative thoughts exactly where to get off with some straight talking and a healthy amount of swearing. While shouting, probably. And chewing a cigar. Now that‘s an image to make any brain gremlins run for the hills. Zoe Delahunty-Light
My weak mustache
I can grow a decent chin beard. It’s not great, but it gets the job done. But if I ever try to give it company with some upper-lip whiskers, I start to look like a creep. It’s not even that my mustache is too sparse and patchy to be recognizable (that’s what the rest of my facial hair is for), it just doesn’t look good. That didn’t keep me from growing it out for several years in college but thank God I know better now. If Captain Price can take care of any problem, this one should be a piece of cake for him. Just look at the glorious mutton-chop-mustache he always has deployed on the front lines of his kisser. Whatever miracle products and grooming regimen he uses to make his lip tickler happen, I am on board. Put me through the facial hair equivalent of the Killhouse, Price. Connor Sheridan
Breach and clear my giant tree stump
No it’s not a euphemism. I’ve recently (got someone else to) cut down a tree in the backyard, but it was big enough to leave a stump roughly the size of 4 large pizzas or one Vietnamese Pot-bellied pig. I know this isn’t Mr Price’s usual line of work, but if anyone is going to have the tools to dig it out of the ground, it would be him. I’ve tried chopping it with an axe but it’s hard work, and I’m sure there’s some military tech that’ll make short work of it. That or a grenade. Given that Modern Warfare 2019 is set, at least in part, in London, it’s only a quick hummer ride up the motorway as well. I’ll even register the vehicle for the dump so the Captain and his team can recycle the thing! Oorah. James Jarvis
My lack of cigar knowledge
I flirted with the idea of getting cigars for my wedding day, and boy would cigar connoisseur Captain Price have helped me out there. If he knows how to look cool with a cigar when taking out tangos then surely he can help me decide whether or not they’re cool enough for special occasions and which ones to pick. He knows which ones are terminator-class weatherproof. He’ll know which ones are, almost literally, bulletproof. But most importantly, he’ll know how to get that quality vs cost balance absolutely spot on: a cigar that’s quality enough for someone of his calibre to enjoy, yet also cheap enough to throw away when going dark and killing baddies. The choice itself is clearly an art. I’m sure Captain Price would have, with loud and scary clarity, helped me select the right ones for my wedding, and would definitely be the go-to guy for any further special-occasion cigar choosing. Bet he’s a quality whiskey and cigar night companion too. Intense but quality. Rob Dwiar
Not having enough time to play video games
It’s simple: Captain Price would be my very own “Replacer”, but – unlike Peter Stormare – I reckon this trained military man would actually be pretty good at fulfilling the kind of commitments that usually keep me away from that increasingly precious, coveted gaming time. Dinner parties, funerals, family gatherings… Price could attend them all in my stead, and while there might be some questions about what the heavily armed fella with the handlebar mustache is doing at Grandad’s wake, I think we could pull it off. Meanwhile, I’d finally be able to sink some serious time into my ever growing backlog, and maybe even get half-decent at this year’s Call of Duty. As Price himself would say, it’s just another day in the office. Alex Avard
Health and fitness
Captain Price doesn’t deal in subtlety; he goes from 0 to 100 at the drop of his signature boonie hat. He once binned a nuclear warhead at the US seemingly on a whim, for instance. This means that he’d be the perfect cheerleader/taskmaster to make sure I keep eating well, going to the gym, and working off my flabby belly. Because let’s be honest – I’d be too scared to refuse. Tempted by a cheeky Krispy Kreme on the way home? Not with John Price around. He’d smack you ‘round the back of the head and scream delightfully British insults until you’d done 300 press-ups and apologised profusely. Anyone under his tutelage would have the body of Chris Hemsworth in no time. Benjamin Abbot
Given his particular set of skills showcased throughout the Modern Warfare series, it seems like Captain Price is a wish fulfiller on the level of Santa Claus, able to make any military operation happen in a jiffy. But because I don’t know anyone I’d want to have summarily executed in the dead of night, I’d ask Price for a much more reasonable job: fixing the cold water handle on my kitchen sink. Y’see, it tends to leak even after I’ve turned it considerably, and that’s just no good. And I’m anti-confrontational enough that I’d rather not ask my landlord if he’ll pay to fix it. We’ll see how much of a do-anything handyman Price is when this problem can’t be solved with a gun and facial hair. Lucas Sullivan
Find out why the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2019 reboot is an Infinity Ward game with a Naughty Dog heart with our reveal feature.