We love celebrity feuds as much as the next person who has no personal stake in the private lives of others. Some feuds are playful, like Diplo ‘ruining’ Joe Jonas’ wedding, while others go too far. Shoes should be worn, not thrown, at the MET Gala. The latest feud out of H-town is between (checks clipboard) Justin Bieber and Tom Cruise. Wait, wah?

On Sunday night, Justin Bieber was clearly feeling himself and tweeted, “I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to fight in the octagon. Tom if you dont take this fight your scared and you will never live it down.” Wow. So, we’re doing this now? Okay. Bieber continued, quickly trying to work out the logistics of a fight that a few people may watch, including UFC president Dana White. “Who is willing to put on the fight? @danawhite?” We don’t want to speak for White, but yeah, we’re pretty sure that the millionaire businessman will find a night to air this match up.

Justin Bieber challenging Tom Cruise seemingly out of nowhere is a lot to unpack. First, Bieber didn’t actually @TomCruise, so we feel like maybe he’s not completely serious about the fight. But on the other hand, Bieber did a deep dive into Cruise’s psyche and attacked his honour by writing, “you will never live it down.” This is the man who hung off the side of a moving plane; the guy is proud of his abilities. We now have CGI that can bring actors back to life. No one needs to hang off the side of a plane. Unless Cruise was banking on the CGI to continue his career if this stunt killed him? Dude is smart. Those posthumous residuals can really add up.

If we’re strictly looking at stats, it’s a pretty even match. At 56, Tom Cruise is more than twice as old as 25-year-old Justin Bieber, but as we mentioned above, Cruise continues to do his own stunts. Bieber is three inches taller than Cruise and likely has a longer reach. But Cruise is Ethan Hunt. And Jack Reacher. And Maverick. Bieber has publicly fought with paparazzi. Cruise has publicly fought with Matt Lauer and a couch. Bieber is Canadian and has played hockey his entire life, so he can take punch. Cruise is a Scientologist. We don’t know what abilities that brings, but we’ve heard they’re life-changing.

Bieber may have sent the tweet in jest, but we’re now fully committed to this fight and have questions. What will their walk-out music be? We’re guessing “Beauty And A Beat” for Bieber and “Danger Zone” for Cruise. Who will Will Smith cheer for in the matchup? Will Justin’s shorts be the depressing brown of Drew House? Can Randall Park remix “I Just Punched Keanu Reeves” to include Bieber and Cruise? Will either of them have the power to bring the Condom Depot back to the UFC as a sponsor? And what would it cost for Bieber to have someone spell check his future tweets?

As for why Bieber initiated the fight, one Twitter user may have cracked the code.


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