I used to love weddings. I used to be that girl who caught the bouquet and danced until they kicked everybody out.
I once got so drunk at a wedding that I caught the bouquet, ended up going to the after party at some club, got into the VIP section when I showed the bouncer the garter on my leg (bouquet still in hand), walked back to the hotel barefoot and lived to tell about it.
But this column isn’t about my early 20s.
I don’t know where or when, but somehow my opinion of weddings made a sharp left and now I hate them.
No, I was never left at the alter and yes, I’ve gotten my heart broken but I’ve definitely been the heartbreaker in most situations, so I’m not salty.
I just think weddings are dumb anymore.
When it comes to the average wedding, my thought is why pay thousands of dollars for eight hours, tops? And the over-the-top hor d’oeuvres (I once went to a cocktail hour with a carving station … why?). And the mediocre steak entree. And the DJ making everyone dance (I went to another wedding with a live band and the best song they played was “Shout”).
I hate being the center of attention, so why would I want to put on a tight/heavy/uncomfortable white dress (which I’d definitely spill something on) and have every one stare at me all night? Sorry grooms, but all eyes are always on the bride.
I have two weddings coming up in the fall and I tried to get out of both of them.
Ok, but it’s her second wedding so, like, we’ve done this already.
When she finally started wedding planning I told her, straight up, that I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid again. I also tried to not go altogether (see reasons above), but if I want to remain in my family I have to go.
Now she’s trying to make me an usher at the church. I told her that just because I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid doesn’t mean she can demote me to a greeter. I’m not doing it, but if I was forced to hand out the programs (another dumb idea) I’d do it with a dead smile say, “Hello, welcome to the wedding. How long do you think her second marriage will last?”
I know … I should really get an award for Sister of the Year.
And the dress, oh the dress. No, I’m not talking about my sister’s wedding gown, I’m talking about the argument over the dress I was going to wear.
It’s a long maxi dress I wore to my cousin’s wedding a few years ago and it looks very flattering on me.
Well according to the wedding police, aka my family, it’s not good enough.
The following conversation really happened.
Bride sister: “We were going to put on the invitations ‘black tie optional’ so the dress has to be really fancy.”
Me: “But you didn’t put ‘black tie optional’ so I’m wearing my maxi dress.”
Bride sister: “No! It’s not fancy enough!”
Me: “Why do you care what I look like!? I’m not the bride, no one will be looking at me!”
My mom: “But we’re going to be taking family pictures!”
Me: “Mom, what are you? An Instagram influencer now? I’ll stand in the back!”
Last week I was taken to multiple stores, against my will, to dress shop.
I was only allowed to try on black and navy dresses “because it’s a night wedding.”
“You can’t wear pink at night?” I asked my mom, sarcastically.
“No,” she barked. “The wedding’s at night!”
I still don’t understand that logic.
I kept pulling out prom dresses covered in sequins and rhinestones and would ask if they were fancy enough.
My mom didn’t find that funny.
I eventually found a navy dress that wasn’t hideous, my sister approved and my mom paid for it. I’m happy to report that I’m still in the family.
I’m also in a wedding coming up. It’s for my friend and I love her dearly. When I said yes to being a bridesmaid three years ago I didn’t hate weddings.
After being postponed and half the bridal party changing, the wedding is finally happening and yours truly is still standing.
I always ask my friend if I can drop out … it’s still a no.
She’s much more relaxed about the wedding so I don’t push back as much.
I did ask her if I had to do anything for this wedding and she told me I just had to show up the day of. Great, easy peasy.
For the last few months I’ve been roped in to a group chat with the mother of the bride and the other bridesmaids. It’s about the bridal shower and the conversations go in circles. I don’t even know who everyone is so I’m basically messaging with strangers.
I almost want to say, “Hi yes, I was told I didn’t have to do anything so I’ll just see myself out.”
Turns out I have to do stuff for the bridal shower, which is the day before my sister’s wedding.
Most recently the group chat is discussing a bachelorette party in Atlantic City. I’m from Atlantic City and I don’t even go there.
I don’t want to gamble or go to a club. The bride and I are in our 30s (I don’t know the ages of the strangers in the group chat) and the bride has three kids.
We are too old for the club!
Can’t we just sit on her couch, drink some wine and watch Magic Mike in our pajamas?
Luckily, my bride friend isn’t a bridezilla about the bridesmaid dresses. She’s letting us pick whatever color and style we want.
I’m wearing navy, and it’s a day wedding.
Follow CJ Fairfield on Twitter @FairfieldCj.
Follow CJ Fairfield on Twitter @FairfieldCj